http://www.daveheinzel.com/suv/

I was planning on making a section of my website that would deal with the negative aspects of sport utility vehicles, ya know, stuff like ozone pollution, smog, increasing our dependencies on foreign oil, danger to non-suv vehicles in collisions, rollovers, cell phone wielding soccer moms on their way to the grocery store, that sort of thing.

But the more research I did, and the more I learned to sift through all the skewed facts that have been coming from the radical left wing community, the more I realized that SUVs are not the enemy- in fact, they're totally B*TCHIN!

So, I'm here to present you with the truth about sport utility vehicles. For once it's true that you can believe everything you read online.



The low-down shizzy on SUVs:



ROLLOVERS
It's true that SUVs roll over. But so does your dog, and you're not gonna ban dogs just 'cause they roll over are ya? Besides, 9 out of 10 SUV rollovers can be prevented by the driver. Here's how: when you start to feel the vehicle rolling over, just switch your cell phone to your other hand. The sudden shift of weight will right your vehicle instantly. See, with science, we can solve problems. Unfortunately, 1 out of 10 SUVs still rolls over spontaneously even while parked.




POLLUTION
Again it is true that SUVs pollute the air. But so does your car. And what you don't know is that most, and by most I mean 41 out of 42 SUV owners drive their vehicles exclusively off-road. This is what they were designed for. Just watch the commercials. So while you and your sedan-driving buddies are out polluting the cities more and more, the courteous SUV driver is so far removed from the city life that their pollution never contributes to the city air that you breathe. Also, because the air through which they they drive is so pristine and clean to begin with, the small spritzes of emission from the SUV are instantly transformed into harmless particles that fertilize the natural surroundings with new life and color.




SMOG
As stated above, SUV emissions really do not contribute to urban pollution. Consequently, they do not contribute to smog. In fact what happens is quite nice and peaceful. The gentile emissions from SUVs rise high into the atmosphere, where they interact with and defeat mean, nasty particles that otherwise would harm humans. This is why, over the past twenty years, science has proven that in areas of high SUV travel (such as mountain tops and lunar surfaces), people are less likely to get sunburnt, allergic reactions, and other mean and nasty such things. Also, the so-called 'smog' (otherwise known as Small eMissions Of Greatness) clouds contribute to beautiful, natural, sunset colored skies, all throughout the day.




SOCCER MOMS WITH CELL PHONES
One common misconception about SUV drivers is that they are generally mothers who have many children and talk on their cell phone continuously while driving their Safety Utility Vehicle (or SUV). This is a negative aspect of stereotyping and, although I'm not quite sure how, racist behavior. The truth of the matter is this- the only people who drive SUVs are as follows:

* Cowboys
* Rockstars
* NBA players
* Men who are very self-confident
* EPA board members
* Fugitives on the run

These proud Americans clearly understand the power and respect that comes with being the owner of a large sport utility vehicle.




ROAD HAZARD
There have been some bogus reports circulating that seem to suggest that SUVs tend to cause more damage to other vehicles, as well as more serious personal injury to occupants of cars when the SUV collides with a smaller sedan-type vehicle. Some have even gone so far as to call SUVs 'unsafe' or 'dangerous.'

What these reports fail to mention is that since 1994, there have been no SUV/sedan collisions. Because of the alertness that comes with talking on your cell phone while driving, as well as being 10 feet above the road which gives you a hawk's eye perspective on the people driving below, SUV drivers have always been able to avoid any potential accident. This is just another added bonus that comes with owning and driving the only piece of Americana that won't fit inside your garage.




DEPENDENCY ON FOREIGN OIL
Finally, the foreign oil argument. This is an easy one. What the uninformed population does NOT know is that most SUVs have 6 or 8 cylinder engines. The few people who DO know how engines work will instantly understand why SUVs do not need much gas. Here's how it works. Most sedans have 4 cylinders. Those 4 cylinders have to work all by themselves to power the 2 wheel drive vehicle. In a 4-wheel drive SUV with 8 cylinders, not only are there twice as many cylinders (which means they each work less), the two rear wheels help drive the vehicle also. With all these extra 'helpers', the average SUV hardly uses any gas at all. It practically moves by self-propulsion.

This is why if everyone drove an SUV, we would not need to go to war with foreign countries for their oil. Our economy would be up, George Dub-Ya would be having a better time in the White House, and the world would be a happy place with patient, courteous drivers.




IN CONCLUSION
Go on, get yourself that Escalade you've always dreamed of. Don't let 'em tell ya a Hummer costs as much as a small fighter jet. And don't stop being an American.

I eat at McDonalds 3 times a day, I have fifteen credit cards, I like to watch football with my large Caucasian (and 1 minority) buddies, I smoke in the shower, I like to watch teenage girls fight, my 8 sons are in the Army, and my big-ass Expedition is double parked in front of my suburb palace, proudly wearing an 8.5" x 11" American flag decal on the inside of the tinted back windshield. B*tchin.
----------

Behold, the average American family of the 21st century. This is why I leave the EGR hooked up on my diese when they ride my ar*e.

LOL, that was really good.

__________________
1987 300SDL (324000)

1986 Porsche 951 (944 Turbo) (166000)

1978 Porsche 924 (99000)

1996 Nissan Pathfinder R50 (201000)

Very strange timing, this morning I saw a news segment about a Ford Explorer clipping another car, going off the road and rolling over.

Virginiadude, 4 wheel drive IS necessary in the DFW metromess. This way people can drive across the median, onto the service roads, when another moron who apparently never looks beyond the windshield wipers on their vehicle, slams into the back of somebody else driving in the same direction, in same lane, just not quite as fast.

Were guilty, we have an Avalanche and Suburban. I have to have a big truck, but i think my wife can get away with a 4wd wagon or something like that, it sometimes take a week to get our road plowed so 4wd is somewhat a neccesity.

They apparently don't teach Texans "left" from "right" in school...

Doggone it! I have trouble remembering that when I get onto the freeway!

__________________
2009 ML350 (106K) - Family vehicle
2001 CLK430 Cabriolet (80K) - Wife's car
2005 BMW 645CI (138K) - My daily driver
2016 Mustang (32K) - Daughter's car