It's about time for a Joke thread - Page 4 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Bear · #46 05-02-2008, 05:02 AM

A golfer in Ireland sliced his drive into the rough.
While lookin g for the ball he came across a leprechaun
trapped in some brambles. Using his driver as a lever he freed the leprechaun.
"For what you have done .Leprechaun Law requires that I grant you three wishes".
"I don't believe in that sort of thing" said the golfer and strode away which left the leprechaun with a problem. The only solution was to arrange three good things for the golfer using leprechaun magic. He decided to improve the golfer's health, improve his golf game and improve his sex life.
Several monthe later the golfer again sliced into the rough and came across the wee man.
"Hi" said the leprechaun "remember me?'"
"May I sk you some personal questions?
"How is your health?"
'Much better" said the golfer "I used to suffer from severe arthritis but all that has gone now"
" How is your golf game?'
"Tremendous improvement. I am now the club champion"
"What about you sex life?"
"It's O.K."
What do you mean "O.K.? How often do you have sex?"
"About once a week."
"Once a week !! surely a good looking man like you can do better than that".

"For a parish priest in a small village it's not bad."

Bear · #47 05-02-2008, 05:07 AM

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”, asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say......LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”

Bear · #48 05-02-2008, 05:08 AM

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

Botnst · #49 05-02-2008, 08:12 AM

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana
One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the
driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle'

Bear · #50 05-02-2008, 08:52 PM

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests ?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them !
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them. Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are ?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Bear · #51 05-02-2008, 09:01 PM

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry out an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases, What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi: "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick..."

Bear · #52 05-02-2008, 09:06 PM

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak... He walked over to a tree and propped up his
gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is
that
you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was
very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage
done to your penis
and I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad." the man replied, "Is your
brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute
player in the local
symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't
piss in your eye

300EVIL · #53 05-02-2008, 09:32 PM

A Pirate walks into a bar. He's got a peg-leg, a hook, a patch over one eye, the works...

The bartender asks him, "Are you a real pirate?"

The pirate answers, "Arrrr... Yes!"

The bartender says, "Wow! Cool... I've never met a real pirate before! If you don't mind me asking, how did you get that peg-leg?"

The pirate says, "Arrrr... That was many years ago when I was just a wee lad. I was climbing in the riggin' and I fell overboard. Just as me mateys were a'pullin me back aboard a shark swam up and bit me leg off below the knee!"

The bartender is shocked: "Gee, I didn't know a pirate's life was so dangerous! So then, what about the hook? How'd that happen?"

"Arrr... That was just last year, me friend. I was fightin' another pirate you see... The bastard got a lucky swing with his sword and cut me hand off at the wrist!"

"Oh dear!" exclaims the bartender, "That's harsh! So, how did you get the eye-patch?"

The pirate shakes his head and says, "Arrrr... A seagull **** in me eye..."

The bartender starts laughing and says, "Hold on a minute - you get your leg bitten off by a shark, you get your hand cut off by a rival pirate's sword, and yet you're telling me that you lost your eye because you got some bird poop in it?"

To which the pirate replies, "Well, you know... It was me first day with me new hook!"

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."

#5, THE TEACHER
Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches snatches.

Q. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69?
A: Odor eaters!

Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde-she's eighteen.

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the door.

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A: Slow

Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.

Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose.

Dee8go · #54 05-14-2008, 09:35 AM

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent!' We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her every need.You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.' The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're lying!!!'The social worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.

aklim · #55 05-14-2008, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheDon

are dead baby jokes ok?

Sure. Mine are real.

Wife had a student RN following her that went into a room and said "Congratulations" to the couple. Only problem was that the woman had delivered a stillborn.

Wife found a stillborn in a Xerox paper box in the supply room.

Dee8go · #56 05-14-2008, 11:39 AM

What's next? Dead PUPPY jokes?!

aklim · #57 05-14-2008, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee8go

What's next? Dead PUPPY jokes?!

Dr Demento

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun
They don't come when you call
They don't chase squirrels at all
Dead puppies aren't much fun

My puppy died late last fall
He's still rotting in the hall
Dead puppies aren't much fun
Mom says puppy's days are through
She's gonna throw him in the stew
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies
Dead puppies aren't much fun

Dead puppies
Dead puppies

Dee8go · #58 05-14-2008, 11:52 AM

Let's get this back on to sex or something. This is disgusting!

aklim · #59 05-14-2008, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dee8go

Let's get this back on to sex or something. This is disgusting!

One day, two men were walking through an old town. "Man, I'm hungry," one said. "Yeah, me too." the other replied. Then they smelled the most wonderful smell in the world, freshly baked apple pies. Two of them. Sitting on a window sill to cool. "Hey, lets go ask if we can have those pies." the first one said and they ran to the front door. They knocked politely. "Yes?" a middle-aged woman asked as she opened the door. "Ma'am, those pies smell mighty tasty, can we have them?" The first man asked. "Why sure! You came in here and I'll give to ya." she replied pointing two the second man. He walked in gingerly. After the door was closed she said, "Come with me." He followed her into her bedroom. She laid down and undressed and said "To get them pies, you hafta screw me." And she shut her eyes. The man looked down at her greasy nasty pubes. "Yuck," he thought, "I ain't stickin' my tinky-winky in there." He looked out the window and saw a stalk of corn. He pulled one off and shoved it into her and pulled it out. He quickly threw the corn out the window while she screamed. "Oh! Yes! Do me again!" He grabbed another ear of corn and shoved it into her. Again he pulled it out quickly and threw it out the window. "One more time baby," she yelled. "for the second pie." Again he took another ear of corn, shoved it into her, pulled it out and threw it out the window. AS they walked to the front door she handed him the pies and he walked out. "Look bud, she gave us both the pies!" "That's cool, dude. Hey why don't we ask her for some more of that buttery corn I found by the window."

aklim · #60 05-14-2008, 12:02 PM

It was Halloween and this married couple were ready to go out to a party dressed up as scary things. however the wife suddenly caught ill and told her husband to go without her, so he did. straight after he went she took some Aspirin and went to sleep and a couple of hours later she woke up and felt heaps better, so she decided to go out.

At the party where she saw her husband in costume she decided to flirt with him and not tell him that she had come in the end, to see what he would do when she wasn't supposed to be around. Anyways they end up in the back of a car having sex. Afterwards she goes home takes off the costume and hides it pretending to have been asleep all the time.

the husband returns home and his wife asks him if he had a good time at the party. he replies yes but that he had swapped his costume with his father in law early on at the party (ie her father)!!!