It definitely sounds like either the vacuum pump's non-op or the "main" vacuum line going to the brake booster has a hole in it.
Mine has two nipples that the rest of the vacuum system draws from, and I accidentally broke one of them when I did my first oil change. I didn't even realize that I had broken it at the time, but sure enough, anything that had anything to do with vacuum stopped working. Was a PITA to have to pop the hood to shut the engine off every time, while waiting on a new line from Fastlane...
In a way, it's good news that none of the vacuum stuff works on your car. That narrows it down to a few possibilities...otherwise, you could drive yourself nuts looking for the problem (can be harder than tracing an electrical short).
Sounds like fun...good luck! And congrats on getting your hands on Lovey